Encounters: The Networker

I was around five years old, my aunt was bringing us for a tour of the city, to see the Christmas lights. We were going to another aunt's place for dinner, a potluck dinner, and would go through the city centre on the way. I came down the lift with my mother while everyone else was behind us, helping carry dishes and fizzy drinks. I sat on the passenger's seat and realized that unlike my mother's car, my aunt's had a dark strip on the windshield. A dark blue faded gradually down into the translucent windshield. I can't pinpoint why but I was fascinated by the idea of seeing things through a veil of darkness. The glaring tropical skies suddenly turned moody and dark. As night fell and we drove through the city, the seemingly infinite strings of light bulbs hanging from the marble clad ministry buildings glowed from behind the dark blue strip. It didn't matter that it was summer solstice and a warm breeze blew through the window, if I looked at it the right way, the darkness of the windshield allowed me to see things whatever way I wanted, with a dark blue hue like it was about to snow, for instance.

***

I was 19 and sick of my hometown. I was working and going to college and felt that all my free time was spent around people that seemed happy in a way I'd never be. The bus home from the University teeming with the youthful sexual tension that, no matter what efforts I made, bypassed me. Stereotypical middle class straight couples that seemed to glide through life like rolling stock on tracks were everywhere; in cinemas kissing and laughing while queuing to buy tickets, holding hands or feeding each other at the food court, even in bookstores I witnessed couples buying stationery together. I was bitter and frustrated because after the end of my first relationship, which was also long distance for most of its duration, I hadn't met anyone who seemed interested in me. Most of these "encounters" are from that period.

 I had just come out from one in which my date said he would meet me, but was broke and texted me asking if it was ok if I paid for his cheeseburger and  chips and, right after, once we met, refused to take his earphones to talk to me for the rest of the date. Life needs a soundtrack he said. I stared silently at him as he ate.

 

These little humiliations compound into a lot of self doubt if you don't want to acquiesce that maybe you aren't always the problem. Granted, I'm not a beacon of charisma, but I'm surely worth taking your earphones off to at least try and listen to what I have to say. Or even if I was not, if he wanted the cheeseburger enough to go on a date with someone he didn't care for, he could have taken the earphones off. Good riddance, I said to anyone who asked me about how that went, but I had been losing the strength to believe that I deserved anything, let alone anything better.

 

  I mentioned in my dating app profile I wanted to meet people and see where things took us, but the truth is that whatever they wanted to do I was up for, even if all it involved was sitting awkwardly at a table while someone listened to music and ate across from me. But if I wanted to be completely sincere, no one was even starting conversations with me. 

  

Some of my friends were single too, but they always seemed to have something going on, a fling, someone who looked at them somewhere they were regulars, somebody they were chatting to, someone they hooked up with at a party, someone who had just come out and confessed to them that they always found them hot...

  

I read somewhere that some people exude a "main character" energy, it's nothing you can learn, it said, some people are just born to be supporting characters. 

I felt defeated, so I became just that for a while, I decided the theory was true and I was there to support. I was giving advice to straight people on relationships, engaging in match making, editing videos for anniversaries. It was either being an extra on someone else's life or not being. I didn't have the industry to "not be". 

Then my inbox on Facebook notified me: hey, I saw on your profile that you are also part of this group of people who like that sci fi tv show in this city, it is my absolute favourite!

His profile picture had his own face wearing a black hoodie and merch from the show in the background. He had curly dirty-blond hair, an angular jaw with a stubble and puffy eyes like he hadn't slept because he was deep in thought.

He looked like the boys in college who I wish would look at me, the troubled young men who were both mature and dark in some ways, but also youthful and energetic . The kind of guy who would say something spot on about a French philosopher and then fuck you senseless and make you think that things were falling together and maybe you could even show them your poetry. (I imagined that happened to people, the ones that are main characters)

We talked for a while about the show, but I was afraid of asking him if he was gay or what he actually wanted when he talked to me.

My notifications again: i just realized you work with one of my best friends!

The guy he mentioned was a straight church going guy who made sure everyone was aware he was straight and played music at the church. Maybe he was also a straight church going person and all he wanted was to talk about the TV show we both liked. 

I conformed to my supporting role.

To my surprise, he continued: he's a great guy, I wonder if he knows I'm gay.

It was like seeing through the blue filter on the windshield, everything changed, everything seemed possible. It could snow after all, a white Christmas, during summer in Brazil. 

A few days later he messaged again: it's crazy that we live in the same neighborhood and everything.

-We do? I replied. 

-Yes! I live a few minutes from you, if what your profile says it's right. Do you want to meet me?

I could feel panic creeping up on me, I couldn't blow it this time, he seemed genuinely interested, I didn't have to start talking to him, to ensure the conversation kept going, I didn't even have to invite him, and we had a lot in common. 

- Do you want to meet me at the bus Depot in a few minutes? It's in-between where I live and where you live. He said

- That would be great, I'll meet you there.

When I got to the bus Depot, he wasn't there. I sat on a half wall close to one of the bus stops. I was nervous and afraid he'd stand me up, I came up with a plan to not look silly:  I could pretend to be waiting for the bus, if it was about to depart and he didn't come, I'd pretend I forgot something and go home. 

I think I was aware that no one else was as invested in my life as I was, but I thought I needed a plan to evade the feeling of humiliation, I couldn't stand up in the middle of the depot and say "good riddance" to soothe myself from rejection.

I was planning how I'd tap my pockets and look around pretending to look for something before leaving, when he walked towards me, smoking a cigarette.

I had my hopes up again, he started talking about the TV show. He seemed so at ease with himself, like he wasn't one bit apprehensive, I wondered if it was contagious if I kissed him. I looked down at his tracksuits and seeing the outline of his bulge nudged me into a different idea, like anthropophagy, could I absorb some of his powers if I swallowed his load?

I built up enough courage to change subjects and ask him if he was thinking of telling his friend he was gay.

- Nah, I'm not dating anyone at the moment so I don't really see the need, besides it seems like only ugly guys want anything with me enough to at least meet me.

I looked down again, then smiled, pretending it hadn't hurt me and I wasn't interested. Like I hadn't even noticed I had just accepted to meet him.

- Hey, talking about friends though, do you mind if I ask you something? 

-Sure. 

I said still trying to seem like I didn't feel humiliated. Not knowing where he was going with his question.

He picked up his phone:

- Would you introduce me to this friend of yours? God he's so hot. I'm obsessed.

The phone glared as the profile picture of one of my friends lit up the wall behind us. 

- I know, he's very handsome, also such a nice, smart guy. 

The supporting characters might think that if the focus shifts a bit, if a blue filter is applied, everything changes, they'll glow in the dark surroundings, but for good or for worse, what glows with or without filter are the lights, not the reflections. 

And a warm breeze blew.