Encounters : The Self Proclaimed Catch

 It was another one of those weekends in which, after working and studying throughout the whole week, I had a choice of being alone and read, play on the computer, go somewhere by myself or ask my more social friends if they were doing anything with the hopes of getting invited for something.

I chose in the end to go to a shopping centre on my own and get food/buy books, I didn't want to risk feeling left out when I hadn't even been invited in the first place. 

The planning of these activities, much like most other planning I did, failed to consider the context I was bringing myself into and the people I'd be surrounded by.

On the way there, I already had indications on the bus that doing things by yourself on the weekend in that city are seen as testament that you're dodgy. Groups of very specific people with a codified language looking down on everyone else. Like anybody needed a rehash of high school. 

I panicked thinking that I was about to spend one of my very few days off feeling sorry for myself as I got surrounded by "pretty people" , so I texted him:

Would you like to go out for food with me? 

I don't know if I was naive or just plain stupid that I guess I thought that by saying hello and asking how he was getting on I had a good grasp on who he was. 

He said he was free and I said I was getting off the bus soon. 

"The bus?! " He said with no effort to make it inconspicuous that his foundations had been shaken. 

-Yes, I shouldn't be long. 

-Get off the bus, I'm driving down to pick you up. 

I now understand that maybe he thought of it as something romantic, but it is weird to be "saved" from public transport, specially when you have already elbowed your way in. 

I got off two stops away from where we were going because he needed to save me, and then we went to a food place next to a motorway junction. 

We sat outdoors, the food was nice and we talked a bit about what we did in work and in our free time, very general topics. He talked a bit too much about the neighbourhood where he lived and the cars he had and shook his giant watch a bit too much, but I was enjoying not being alone and how detached I felt from my own issues listening to him trying to prove himself through his possessions and his, according to him, "straight" appearance . 

It started raining suddenly, we then got into his car again and he put some music on. 

I asked him who the singer was and he asked me to guess and smiled. 

I said I wouldn't guess it right. 

About ten years prior, I had been brought by my parents to a psychologist who was, on their behalf, trying to "extract a confession". I didn't know then, but my mom had found a stash of gay porn in my computer. I probably would have said I was gay if asked and felt reassured , but instead I was questioned about pop divas. 

I like to think that there's a broad pool of artists from many different genres doing very different things and also that I have no obligation to listen to any to fit into a label. We were getting a bit political. 

- Come on, it'll be fun, I'll play a few songs and you try and guess. 

He smiled and went forward on his seat to change the song, his shorts tightened around his thighs. I hadn't really seen anything happening between us, he seemed like he had crafted an image of who he was and maybe he was trying to impress me and seem aspirational, but I felt like I would screw it for him. If being you is being above having any trace of femininity, being above living in a poor neighbourhood or using public transportation, I'm not a match. 

Those feelings did retreat a bit as I was staring at his thighs. In other words, I thought he was a bit of a douche, but hot nonetheless. Or maybe that was the strength of my convictions, the sheer possibility of being alone turned me into someone who could look past the whole to find it acceptable because the bulge was a nice handful and it was surrounded by thick hairy thighs. 

Idiot would be a fitting label for me. 

- Come on, guess. 

I tried to say names of singers who I thought had a similar voice, failing each time. 

- Here's the deal, if you get it right, you can get a kiss. 

I heard laughter outside from a group setting a picnic under a tree, the rain had stopped. It seemed like things were coming to an end. I would inevitably have to face the fact that I was alone. I wasn't walking by myself trying to deflect the looks of "poor guy, all by himself", but sitting there with someone looking for excuses to kiss me (or not to?!), I felt just as lonely. 

I tried once more. 

- I don't think you'll get it, will you? 

- I'm afraid not. Sorry. 

- It's ok. Ready to go? I'll drop you at the same bus stop again. 

I was a bit dazed by the abrupt end of the afternoon. Maybe it wasn't abrupt after all, I thought we both had understood that we weren't for each other. However, I didn't think I'd be the kind of person who would want to be held by no matter who, and yet I hoped for a hug. 

He parked his car and we both walked to the bus stop. He said goodbye and I said I'd see him later. He had great thighs. The bus came by and I waved, he raised a thumb. 

As the bus moved away, he got onto his phone and I got a text. 

"Look, I'm gonna be completely honest. I know that you are in love with me, but I don't think I want anything serious right now. Besides, I think I'm more put together and you're still figuring things out."

I wondered what book I could have bought.