Encounters: The Saviour
***
I had been in a relationship with someone I loved profoundly and I'm sure loved me too (or is this a way of softening the blow that we were both projecting?), but who hadn't, like me, really felt he had been denied of a part of his youth, because he considered himself straight until we started dating. I am sure, as he grew up later, he came to terms with his own sexuality and what he wanted to do, but it felt like our relationship was, in its moral constraints and its goals, a weird attempt to fit into the way he was used to interact with people, the straight way. On my side, it was a matter of going with the flow. I had never been with anyone (and up to today I haven't completely shaken the feeling that if it wasn't for the internet and the possibility of enticing people with acceptance and companionship rather than a charming personality and looks I would never have anyone fall in love with me), so I was doing what was expected. The issue being that, as a queer person surrounded by hostility, I had grown up not communicating what I wanted and what felt right for me, but feeling guilty for deriving pleasure from anything and behaving instead like I enjoyed what was expected, the norm.
I had just accepted myself as a gay man before I jumped head first into a relationship without knowing how to deal minimally with even being single.
Having found the reasons to be openly myself at least online, more honest about what I like and who I am, It fascinated me that I wasn't completely devoid of magnetism, and the gratification of having pictures liked and sexual comments sent my way online got to me more than I expected, that kept happening even though I was in a relationship. My boyfriend then was outraged.
It must be boring to hear that so often. This moping about how I thought of myself as this thing no one could care less about, and how surprised I was that some people were in fact interested and yet, the evidence of that for my teenage self was never noticed, because it wasn't there, I assume.
A few years prior, I had gone to my elementary school graduation where I was paired with a classmate for the entrance and waltz(?). A girl, "naturally". I didn't know what to make of it, so I just accepted it. The girl, however, was livid that we had been paired in alphabetical order and that she had by her side a "man" shorter than her. I thought that was a mean thing to say because I hadn't asked or chosen to walk in with her, but again, just went with the flow. We did the ridiculous formality of a waltz together and at the end, as the lights dimmed, the DJ got the waltz to fade into the summer hit everyone wanted to be partying to. The girl scattered before I could even understand what was happening, and the dance floor flooded with horny teenagers dancing in couples, straight couples that is. I stood alone pretending to dance and the strobe lights were on my side until they stopped and I noticed stares. What is that one doing? They must have thought. I tried to walk away from the dance floor onto the tables where the parents were and my mother told me to go back right away and have fun because they had paid a lot for the graduation and my father had already said it was a waste because I looked like a fish out of water. I stood quietly right next to a huge speaker, anyone looking that way was only able to see the bright lights coming from the machine on the top until the party was over.
***
It was my first time being single in years, 4. It was also my first time going to a gay club. My best friend, who I met online and was visiting for the first time got his mother to drive the two of us. Over there, we joined a guy he had been talking to and his friends. I was excited to find out what it was like, and afraid that I wouldn't fit in either.
There was a drag show happening, so we went close to the stage and watched it . It was fun, but as the song was about to end and a shirtless DJ stepped into the booth, the lights on the stage went off, and everyone started dancing. The strobe lights helped me seem less awkward for a while and then, right before me, I could see my friend and the guy he had been talking to looking at each other. It was good to watch. The lights turning red and blue as they stared at each other and got close slowly, until they were kissing. I turned to one of the guys' friends and said: finally! He smiled and said he now could do his own thing as he lunged onto the dance floor and started dancing with a guy he had been looking at. I decided to grab a drink. I walked to the bar and realized I didn't really know what to order and didn't really feel like drinking anything, so I got a can of fizzy drink and a straw. I turned my back to the bar and leaning on a pillar kept looking at the dance floor . Each place has its corner where you can at least feel like you're not visible. I was afraid I'd ruin my friend's night. So I stayed there and sipped my first drink slowly to kill time.
He walked a few feet away and saw me leaning against the pillar. A handsome guy, light hair, very understated in his clothes but well dressed, sharp jaw line, and nice lips. He looked at me like there was something cryptic he couldn't figure out. I thought maybe I was unintentionally frowning, so I smiled to make sure I wasn't. He smiled back, walked very confidently towards me, and before I could even react, pinned me against the pillar with his body and kissed me. His hands held my waist and he got close to my ears and asked me if I was alone. I said I had come with a friend, and nodded towards the couple kissing on the dance floor. Come with me, he said.
I had never had anything as exciting happen to me, my heart was racing. I said I'd let my friend know I was going with him, I walked towards the dance floor and noticed he was still holding my hand. I tapped my friend's shoulder and nodded to him and showed our hands interlocked. My friend seemed happy for me and smiled. I said we were going to be back. He brought me to the outdoor area of the nightclub and asked a valet to bring his car. He leaned against a half wall and pulled me towards him and resumed kissing me. I could feel his boner against my own, his hands had a firm grip on my waist .
The valet was smiling like he knew something and gave him the keys back and winked. I didn't make anything of it, maybe he was often in that club.
In the car, I thought he'd tell me about how he saw me there standing alone and thought I was handsome and he'd rescue me, to which I'd act.coy and say I was actually not from there and had a flight to take in a few hours, we would have a lot in common, but then I'd have to go, a rapid love story, Cinderella-like, even.
Instead, he turned the radio on and held my hand. The song playing was a Brazilian country song I really didn't care for. I guess I can't expect things to play out like I imagine them, I thought, but at least we were holding hands, that was nice.
"So, how are you? I'm ... ", he asked and introduced himself.
"I'm good, enjoying my first time out in this city so far." I smiled.
The country music seemed to intensify.
"You'll enjoy it even more"
He put my hand on top of his crotch. I felt his hard on through the trousers.
"Wank it!" He commanded
I was a bit taken aback by the sudden change of tone, but still aroused, so I started moving my hands up and down on top of his jeans. He unbuttoned his trousers and whipped his cock out.
I got very timid then. It just seemed like he was really looking for anyone with a pulse. I guess I was still clinging to the fantasy of having something in me that shone through and captivated him. I didn't care if it was just sex, but it did matter to me that it was meant to be sex with me and that I would have sex with him rather than generic sex for the sake of it.
"Suck it!"
I leaned over, as I was going down on him, I wondered about my flight in a few hours and before I could even notice, he shoved his hands down my back and very suddenly stuck a finger in me.
"Do you want to sit on my cock?"
"Here?"
"Yeah, we can go to the back seat, or I can recline my seat and you ride me."
"Ehm, I'm not sure, I have to go soon!"
I was unsure that I'd be clean and, most of all, not yet at that stage of that interaction. I never thought of myself as someone difficult, but I can't say I thought it was enough intimacy to say "hi, my name is..." and stick a finger into one another immediately after. As a matter of fact, if that's the case, I'd rather have the mistery of not saying anything at all.
The guy on the radio whailed about his broken heart.
He opened the glove compartment and got condoms and lubricant out.
"We've everything we need, come on."
He reclined his seat.
The first thing we need for sex to happen is a willing partner, I thought, don't know if we have that.
I considered "going with the flow", but I thought I had done that for too long. He had his cock on his hand and was biting his lips.
I wished there were strobe lights. I opened the door and jumped out of the car walking back towards the night club.
"Are you going to leave me like this?" He pointed at his erection.
I walked faster, my friends were leaving the night club, the sun was rising. The sky was cloudy and sharp. I got into the car and we all left.
Are you ok? They asked as I looked up to the sky.
I said I was as I saw the clouds rolling into each other.
The directions we take help delineate our identity, walking away was a me that was stronger than the one who waltzed.
Comentários