Clouded Vision

Here, help me out. What's about you and being evasive and withdrawn? I don't know, there's just so much I can't tell. Why don't you tell us? You can trust us. I know but it's not really a matter of trust, I would show you if I could but, if I do it, it won't mean anything. You have to go through it on your own. On my own? Through what? You know, the whole learning to embrace pain etc. How am I supposed to embrace pain? It's pain, it hurts. I know it does, I've been hurting all along, since when I was a teenager and got disappointed with who I was. But I try to think that pain means progress. What if it doesn't? What if you live your life in silence and in pain in your head for no reason? It's not unlikely, but at this stage I'm too far in to go back. I can't just go: ok, take these years of tearless, lonely and silent pain cause now I'm going to be happy. I think my way of being happy is by enduring everything that happens to me. I feel like that a lot, you know, like the world wants me broken but I'm too stubborn, I'll take all the pain in because I have no choice, but I won't let it stop me. Suit yourself, I want to be genuinely happy. I don't think that works, not for people like me. People like you? Some day, in your pursuit of happiness, you're gonna have really bad days when you can't sleep and neither can the people next to you, and you wish they'd get better but still they all get sick. Do you think you make people sick? I am not too sure, some days I'm really afraid that I'm like a bunch of smoke floating around and I go: hey, you look happy, can I be around you? And they let me and then, as I walk next to them, their once bright path is clouded, they can't see anything and I go: I'm so sorry, I'm on your way. And I try to contain this smoke me revolving in the wind in front of their eyes and when they can see through me they realize they're lost too. I think: get away from people, you're a bad thing to happen to them. But now that they're already lost, is it really fair to let go?